1. How do you feel about winning the world cup?

One of these days I wish someone would respond by saying “We feel terrible. We wanted to loose it so badly by playing our natural game, unfortunately Sachin surprised us by actually scoring runs in an important match. That turned the tide in our favour, defeat otherwise was certain."

2. “How does it feel to be back home?” This to a celebrity expatriate Indian who is setting foot in India for the first time in fifty years!!

  The poor sod desperately thinks of something complimentary to say and then launches into the same trite routine of singing “mera joota hai japani……… phir bhi dil hai Hindustani”

  This question is directed to a leading industrialist

3. What do you think of Wal Mart’s entry into Indian retail?

  Puffing himself up our pompous industrialist looks earnestly into the camera   and replies “It’s good for the Indian economy. We welcome competition”.

Sure you do. We all know behind the scene you are busy lobbying (read bribing) our upright politicians to screw Wal Mart.

This to a celebrity actress

4. How does it feel to be a mother?

  If on T.V the actress goes “oooooooohh its such a wonderful feeling, I can’t  quite describe it. He/she is so adorable. I feel like a complete women now”.

You wouldn’t be saying that if you had to potty train your child or change diapers in the middle of the night or stay awake the whole night simply because your child is not ready to sleep yet or get them ready for school first thing in the morning.

This to a celebrity actor

5. “How did you meet your wife?”

  Head tilted and with a smile our hero replies” You know we went to the same college and I was her senior by one year. We did not hit it off initially, she found me pretty abrasive (this usually with a self deprecating laugh) but then we met at a friend’s party that was when I knew this (heavy emphasis on the word) was the woman for me”. All this while the celebrity wife sitting alongside coos her approval of her husband’s inanities.

Four months later they are divorced because of irreconcilable differences. However they continue to remain good friends.     

This to a "celebrity" film director on a trip to India.

6. With a solemn look the questioner asks “What is the message you are trying to convey through this film”. The film incidentally has won an award in some obscure film festival, so obscure that no other country is willing to invite him.

  With an intense look our friend replies “What I am trying to do here is ummm…..” at this stage he pauses and makes a great show of  searching for the right word and then continues “The attempt is to portray, for the first time, the chaotic incoherence of the subconscious mind on celluloid”

The glassy smile of the questioner says it all!!!!

This to Bill Gates

7. “How would you compare the Indian market to China’s?”

He is smart so he is prepared. With a smile “Well they are different markets, each have their own strengths and weaknesses but on the whole we think India and China will drive Microsoft’s growth in the twenty first century”

He is probably thinking “You moron China’s economy is double that of yours, it has better systems, less corruption, less poverty and have you been to Shanghai lately?”

Why do we have to be so obtuse!!!!